BEFORE THE BURNING OF FALL LEAVES
Two years after Father’s release from Mauthausen
Anne and I are born in the USA,
the first and last of a generation.
Thirty minutes after Anne’s debut
doctors drag me into the klieg lights.
Hearing of our double birth,
Father weeps. I am the second,
the extra he never forgives.
Swaddled in Mother’s arms, Anne goes home,
I stay under incubator lights.
The one who swam with me
for three seasons
is held by our big sister.
Before pumpkins are carved,
Uncle Robert picks me up,
brings the stranger to that family of four.
Father, whose rage sputtered before he spent
three months next to crematorium chimneys,
does the goose-step into this little girl.
He does not brand me with numbers
but indelibly marks me different.
This fallen female weeps
from September to September
to September
JAGGED NIGHT
Inspired by painting #44 H Herschlag
A haloed moon outlines
jagged green mountains
against a royal blue sky,
and trees below as pointy
yet less menacing
than the neon-white teeth
of the huge mountain-dog
standing on moonlit boulders.
Her bulging yellow eyes two suns
in her squarish face
light the night sky
against predators.
Her arrow-like ears and tail
aimed at the moon,
her rectangular grinned mouth—
fanged warning,
protect the human fetus
inside her windowed womb.
Mother
where were you
at night?
DAD’S PROPERTY
Me, his property
to do with as he wishes;
mind and body shackled
by his penis.
Feeling and thought stifled
by his wrath.
No space to hide,
no room for breath.
Death swiped him early,
providence seemed good.
Released from bondage,
by an open door I stood,
unaware his talons would grab
from six feet below.
Climbing toward health
I’m snared by Hell’s claws.
While mirrors blazed fear
I hid from tyranny
then trampled through memory,
wearing a mask of normalcy.
Father still holds the deed
to much of me.
NUDE IN BLUE CHAIR
Inspired by painting #59
Distorted Female/H Herschlag
How did the painter know all this?
An accurate portrait
of my naked psyche as I sit in
the leather chair opposite my analyst—
my long dark hair offering
no cover
to my wounded-crimped brain,
my head ever-expanding
from memories exploding
into consciousness,
my jaw-line narrowed
as if by timidity and shame,
defenses stripped,
my thoughts and words stunted,
my hands’ pretense at relaxation
exposed by my knees
locked in place,
my therapist’s own
internal fires dwarfing my legs,
keeping me
stuck in a dichotomy
of liberation and diminution.
I HAVE A PASSION FOR PURPLE
and its paler cousins.
In my garden tiny flowers I named Lavender Lights.
Mid-November, amid dark ferny leaves
they spark the air like baby stars.
Purple, a seductive color,
a grown-up version of pink and powder blue.
Magenta, violet-powerful, urgent hues.
What's purple? Lilies, lilacs, orchids.
Ah, the color of sex.
When aroused, saturated with blood,
a purplish-red penis, vulva.
So we women paint our mouths in varied shades,
lift our erogenous zone from crotch to face.
Peacocks fanning our feathers,
we stretch color beyond lip edge
for that engorged look. Matte velvet,
shiny satin, wet and ready.
Life is sex. Food and sex. Delicious plums;
eggplant, earthy purple. Some tropical fish
and birds blaze purple, as do sunsets,
and broken hearts. Bruises, strident mauve
and rose, jaundice as they age and fade,
but re-emerge, like a shrub's second flowering,
when echoes fill the air. My doctor slips
into dead father's robe: Less than human—he says
of my meek retreats. Pointing his rage-purpled finger, he
says—You wear layers of anger under ruffled blouses.
Anger drives you into a mole hole, leaves me
on this prairie, hunting alone. Blame, ballooned
big as Father's rising hand when he hit, hit
hit. Then my doctor shorts me of time, so I slip
my purple-yellow self off the leather chair,
past his word-splattered walls.
Though I am a squashed plum,
outer skin ripped, inner flesh
flattened, oozing, I am the yang of purple,
the underbelly of the rain cloud, scars, like belts,
hold in my pulp. Early on I learned the trick of starfish,
will grow whole again.
THE SPIRAL SUN
Inspired by painting #45
Spiral Sun/H Herschlag
Speckled as a grapefruit
on the rippled lake-mirror
inhabited by croaking frogs
My thoughts flap—
a sail in a halting breeze
waiting for a steady wind
to inform my eyes
Potent as a magnet
the steel-gray water
pulls my eyes to a dream image
shimmering on its surface
Blonde hair auburn-veined
piled high as an erect phallus
on Mother's head
Sunlit it smolders a warning
more menacing than
her hooded eyes
bared teeth
The heat in her—
the rage at the daughter
she does not want
THE JOURNEY
Inspired by a painting
by H. Herschlag
Cliff shadow and my shadow
in this monochromatic world,
my only companions;
not even a tree or dog,
just barrenness,
insurmountable black hill
jutting up from
an expanse of blinding white
wilderness,
desert of singularity,
changeless,
except for the growth
and contraction
of our shadows,
yet I walk forward,
perhaps to meet something
at the horizon.
